My Newest Accessory

I've always liked accessories, but I was recently told that I have 'a problem' with accessorizing. I'm sorry, I just don't see a problem. There is nothing wrong with my earrings, necklace, or rings coordinating with my outfit. So what if my hat and scarf complement my sweater? Purses, shoes, and socks? Match. Other unmentionables? You better believe it. They don't make things in every color just for fun, you know. I am convinced that God wanted it like this and that's why he gave us the gift of people like Liz Claiborne, Isaac Mizrahi, and Calvin Klein. He also made sure that there were a lot more treasures like them all over the world so bargain shoppers like myself can find no-name brands that have been mass produced in Bangladesh or Vietnam.

Today I realized that contrary to the words uttered by my smart ass friend, I may not be accessorizing enough. In a post-night out/pre-Spring cleaning fit, I pulled my closet and dresser drawers apart and faced the daunting task of putting it all back together in a more organized fashion. As I took inventory of the 13 scarves, 8 hats and 9 pairs of gloves laid out on my bed, I thought three things: 1) What a beautiful assortment of both primary and pastel colors, 2) Do I have the proper earrings to wear with each of these fantastic ensembles (yes, I do), and 3) There is not enough casual, weekend-wear here: my scarves and gloves are just a little too fancy to be grocery-shopping-filling-the-gas-tank wear.

If I'm on my way home from work, that's one thing; I'll clickety clack my way through the store and take care of business so I don't have to make a trip later. If my car needs gas, I have avoided sullying my finer things by pretending the gas pump doesn't work, and enlisting the assistance of a kind man. But if I am spending my weekend running around in a frenzy, that's quite another thing, especially now that it's cold. I need to know that with my jeans and sweater I have a variety of casual, perfectly coordinated hats, scarves and gloves to choose from...things that can withstand the dirty grocery carts and be easily disposed of if I destroy them in the Garden Center at Home Depot.

And that's when I remembered an advertisement I'd seen before Christmas. At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. Now, it might be perfect. Casual but eye-catching; inexpensive enough that it wouldn't hurt to stock up on several...just in case; and, a truly unique conversation starter. Ideal with a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, maybe a knit Pageboy hat...absolute perfection. I know you'll agree:

Made of breathable Cotton, Handerpants TM are form fitting and help prevent chafing. I hate when my hands chafe. The gloves look great, too: each finger looks like a perfectly designed leg on a pair of knit boxer briefs. I love the front seams that mimic the fly of a regular pair of men's chones. As added bonuses, not only are they 'Non Toxic' but they can also be used to distract enemies. What a frightening sight for a would-be assailant to see a woman with underwear snugly on her hands shooing him away.

Handerpants can be used for motorcycle rides, cooking, texting and if you're old and using a walker, they may be just what you need for that added sense of security. My favorite use? The often forgotten and under-appreciated Jazz Hands. They are going to be perfect for that. My only complaint: they only come in one color. But I'm ordering some and when they arrive I'm thinking of copying the pattern. I'd like to see a rainbow of colors, some argyle, houndstooth, and perhaps a pastel paisley. At $11.95 + S&H, Handerpants are a must have accessory for me.