Call to Order

Close to the top of my list of Things that Annoy Me (smack dab in between a guy I once foolishly dated and memories of my former friend Shirley) is the dreaded meeting. I suppose any meeting qualifies as annoying to me: parent-teacher meetings, back to school meetings, exciting meetings with attorneys, fundraising meetings…but often the most insufferable type for me is a work meeting. In the middle of an already busy day, the last thing I want to do—and sometimes it absolutely infuriates me—is to leave a pile of unfinished work on my desk and join a group in a conference room for a meeting of the minds. But like it or not, sometimes I’ve had to. I’ve been able to come up with some very legitimate sounding reasons for skipping out, but more often than not I had no credible or creative story to use, and so I acquiesced and dragged myself.

One of my unrealistic expectations is that a meeting has a goal. When it appears to have none and is going nowhere it infuriates me; I can feel my blood boil as I picture the work I should be doing sitting untouched.  If I’m expected to attend, something had better be accomplished. I think I’m in the minority though because a lot of people just seem to show up, treat it as an extended break, and walk away at the end caring just as little as when they walked in at the start.  And some people make no effort to hide their disinterest and boredom. Manners are left at the door-or maybe it’s being confined in close quarters that simply highlights the lack of propriety and politesse that is probably just the normal, everyday behavior of those who shall remain nameless.

It seems to come as a surprise that meetings have start times, much like movies and church on Sunday. It’s not an Open House where you saunter in at your leisure and then make a quiet exit through the side door at the first opportunity. I hate being late for anything so I try to arrive on time and more often than not, I’m early... except of course if I’m meeting my sister for coffee—then I’m always late, just to show her that even though she’s older than I am, I’m definitely in charge. But that’s not really a meeting.  The meetings? Oh, how I enjoy arriving to find an empty or nearly empty conference room. For a split second I’m thrilled at the prospect of it having been cancelled or better yet, I missed it entirely. But I know I have the correct time, so I sit and wait and wait and sit. Eventually people trickle in. To be fair, the nature of any business often makes it impossible for everyone to be on time.  But please, rushing into a meeting ten minutes late with a crossword puzzle hot off the press, a smoothie or fresh coffee in your hands? Pardon me if I jump to the irrational conclusion that the pit stop for entertainment and refreshments may be the very reason you’re late.

The worst thing about late arrivals is when Tardy Teddy makes his dramatic entrance and has the balls to ask what he missed…and then some brainiac stops and gives an update? I wonder if I arrive late to church—would it be unreasonable to ask the priest to back it up and fill me in on what Moses was up to in that First Reading?  Late to a movie and miss the pre-movie trivia questions or the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean XIV? Maybe that packed theater wouldn’t mind too much if they rewind and start over, just for me… Just once I’d like somebody besides myself to speak up and say, “Uh, can’t you just try to get your ass here on time?” 

A meeting gets underway with the call to order. As a reminder, when you hear “this meeting will now come to order” or something to that effect, that’s your cue to pay attention, or at least fake it. I’ve failed there many times. As a means of getting through a meeting, I’ve scribbled, made lists, balanced my checking account in my head, daydreamed, whispered, and watched the clock.  I’ve tried to stay focused but it’s during those periods of boredom that I’ve noticed the behaviors of others around me, and believe me my daydreaming or scribbling is nothing. Oh I know I sound like a hypocrite because I’m guilty as well—I just said that—but really, there are some behaviors that are unacceptable and I would be remiss to not mention them.

For example, there’s the guy that would sit way back in his chair, almost lounging with one leg crossed over another, and clip his fingernails. Clip the nail and ‘ping’ as the clipping hits the wall, ‘ping’ as the next one hits the fluorescent light fixture. Clip, Ping. Clip, Ping. Clip, Ping. Oddly, I seem to be one of the only few appalled by his poorly timed grooming habits. So uncouth…but this was the same dude that clipped his nails while interviewing potential employees. He was also a loud, uncovered-mouth, wet sneezer, and slurped his way through what was likely a twelve pack of diet soda every day. Let me just say, God help you if you slurp noisily through your straw or blow loudly into your cup to cool your hot drink while you’re sitting next to me. Chances are that I’ll accidentally knock your drink into your lap.

Cell phones in meetings are fun, too. We’ve all been guilty of this at one time or another; however we don’t all make a habit of sitting and texting/sexting during an entire meeting. It’s obvious when your cell phone is nestled in your lap—the occasional snicker is a dead give away--unless there is something else going on south of the border. Nobody stares down at their crotch all day, do they? The preposterous part of texting in meetings is that often people are texting each other across the room. It’s the high tech version of whispering or note passing.  Sometimes they forget to set them to vibrate; other times they vibrate so loudly that there is really no hiding what they’re doing. One woman I know routinely lets her phone do a vibrating dance across the conference room table as she shrinks down in her seat and makes coy and apologetic eye contact with everyone in the room.  Uh, try turning it off dummy. And if you really must take that urgent call during a meeting, please step outside. I’m sorry your water heater is flooding your house but really, just go home and take care of it.

And then there are my favorite meeting attendees: The sleepers and dozers. Holy God, have they no pride? I know it’s rough, sometimes coming to work with very little sleep, stuck in a meeting discussing things that we’ve addressed a hundred times before. But to fall asleep in front of twenty other people? It’s just embarrassing. Sitting upright in an uncomfortable chair should be enough to keep you awake, right? Wrong. I can’t count the number of times I’ve looked up from my note-talking to see Mr. Dozer, eyes rolling back, breathing slowly through his wide open mouth, with his head nodding forward. It goes on like this until a loud voice jolts him back to life and his eyes dart quickly around the room to determine if he was caught. Yeah, we all saw. Worse is the unabashed Ms. Sleepyhead who routinely and very casually perches her elbows on the table. No shame here. She slumps forward, nestles her chin in her hands and closes her eyes—resting peacefully for all to see. And this takes place during Agenda Item #3: Professionalism in the Workplace.  It’s laughable. I lose track of what I’m writing and stare, amazed at the shamelessness of it all. The sleepers and dozers are the worst. They are the ones that make meetings unnecessarily long. When they wake up they try to act interested, asking questions that had already been asked and answered during naptime: professionalism at its best. At the next meeting I hope we can make a decision about that bulk purchase of Snuggies for our tired co-workers.
Meeting adjourned.

doze

Intransitive verb

1 a : to sleep lightly b : to fall into a light sleep —usually used with off

2: to be in a dull or stupefied condition